Post script: A past script.

I finished that last five hundred words and was still not satisfied. So, I was just going through a jumble of old notes and writings, trying to satisfy the gods of insomnia with some substance. Amidst some rather stupid drunk thoughts (Egad, I can be pretentious when I drink!) and songs about cheese, lo and behold, it seems I wrote a guide for the dark days on one of my powerful ones. It made my erratic thoughts quieten a little, so I thought I best put it here so I know where to find it again when things are a little grey. It seems to sum up what I was trying to say earlier, in a much warmer way.

No one and nothing is infallible. 

To any big question, there is no simple answer. That being said, sometimes all you can do is to trust in your own complexity of instinct.

Learn to recognise honesty and that incredible intangible quality that is your own self reflected in another's eyes. These people will carry you when you cannot move forwards and will complete the puzzle when you are out of pieces.

Take chances, do not settle for less and do not let anyone make a decision for you. Not society, not anyone.

Do not be afraid of the lows. They too will pass. Do not be afraid of what they can teach you. Do not be afraid of feeling. Do not be afraid.

Value critical thinking. In yourself and others.

It is ok that you do not know. It is not ok to be satisfied with ignorance. The path to education is arduous, and there will not be an epiphany awaiting you at the end, because there isn't an end. But look back every now and then and you will realise how far you have come.

I wrote a few weeks back that I wanted to write a letter back to my past? This is why. She still helps me out when I least expect it. Thanks past Rachel, we'll try our best not to fuck it up too much from here.

Writing into the void

It is a scary prospect to leap into nothing. It is the cause of much of my procrastination, generally coupled along with a fear that I don't know enough, or anything at all for that matter. So I sit on the edge of the world and wait until something pushes me. I do not have the confidence to insist that it was my choices that lead me to this point. Instead I look to luck, to chance, and to that invisible hand that shoves me off the cliff. This protectionist mentality shields me from my failures but also my successes. My winning days were never mine, the world gave them to me. My failures were not mine, for I did not take that leap.

I was pushed.

I sit so often and try to unpack the human condition. It fascinates me. What makes me think like I do? What leads someone to believe so differently to me if we are in essence, the same? I look for answers constantly, but always knowing that the void is a breath away. Just out of reach, but leaning on me in everything I do. The pervasive tangible feeling that in order to succeed completely, I have to completely trust that there is nothing, that complete knowledge is unattainable. Only then will I dispense of the fear that holds me back. Is this why ignorance has such a power? If I am completely unaware, am I freer than when I am chasing the void but always losing out to my fear? Fear is a prison that I am well aware of, and yet I sit comfortably within its walls.

I am beginning to hate these walls.

Obviously the current theme to my thinking is this process of growth as a human, and that as we move  forwards, it becomes increasingly clear that we are smaller and more insignificant than we ever knew. The loss of the idealism of youth is not a simple change from optimism to pessimism, or at least, it doesn't need to be. I am seeing now that even two years ago, one year ago, I was riddled with youthful idealism. Here I sit now, not that much older, but so much more unsure. I have lost none of my passion, quite the contrary, I think it has grown and I am channeling it better than I ever have before. But I am now seeing that idealism is so easy when you swim in a small pond. It is easy to talk big when you feel like you have some kind of control on your system. I begin to see now (and I emphasise the word begin) that I could not hope to constrain or control my pond, my world. No matter how much I know, or will know. Education has not unlocked the one answer, but it has shown me one definite thing.

There is no one answer.

I say this with all the optimism, all the hope and all the love I can muster in this world. I cannot control it, but I begin to see that trust in the void, in humanity, in myself and in those around me is the only thing that can change the world.

Big breath, big jump, here we go.