Writing into the void

It is a scary prospect to leap into nothing. It is the cause of much of my procrastination, generally coupled along with a fear that I don't know enough, or anything at all for that matter. So I sit on the edge of the world and wait until something pushes me. I do not have the confidence to insist that it was my choices that lead me to this point. Instead I look to luck, to chance, and to that invisible hand that shoves me off the cliff. This protectionist mentality shields me from my failures but also my successes. My winning days were never mine, the world gave them to me. My failures were not mine, for I did not take that leap.

I was pushed.

I sit so often and try to unpack the human condition. It fascinates me. What makes me think like I do? What leads someone to believe so differently to me if we are in essence, the same? I look for answers constantly, but always knowing that the void is a breath away. Just out of reach, but leaning on me in everything I do. The pervasive tangible feeling that in order to succeed completely, I have to completely trust that there is nothing, that complete knowledge is unattainable. Only then will I dispense of the fear that holds me back. Is this why ignorance has such a power? If I am completely unaware, am I freer than when I am chasing the void but always losing out to my fear? Fear is a prison that I am well aware of, and yet I sit comfortably within its walls.

I am beginning to hate these walls.

Obviously the current theme to my thinking is this process of growth as a human, and that as we move  forwards, it becomes increasingly clear that we are smaller and more insignificant than we ever knew. The loss of the idealism of youth is not a simple change from optimism to pessimism, or at least, it doesn't need to be. I am seeing now that even two years ago, one year ago, I was riddled with youthful idealism. Here I sit now, not that much older, but so much more unsure. I have lost none of my passion, quite the contrary, I think it has grown and I am channeling it better than I ever have before. But I am now seeing that idealism is so easy when you swim in a small pond. It is easy to talk big when you feel like you have some kind of control on your system. I begin to see now (and I emphasise the word begin) that I could not hope to constrain or control my pond, my world. No matter how much I know, or will know. Education has not unlocked the one answer, but it has shown me one definite thing.

There is no one answer.

I say this with all the optimism, all the hope and all the love I can muster in this world. I cannot control it, but I begin to see that trust in the void, in humanity, in myself and in those around me is the only thing that can change the world.

Big breath, big jump, here we go.